Good evening, solar system. As soon as I'm done writing this sentence I'm going to get up and pee but because of the magic of the internet, when you read this it'll be like I NEVER LEFT AT ALL.
So today when I was getting dressed after work (well, getting undressed first as I do not work in the nude) I was thinking about the grammatical prospects of "seen" and "saw." I don't know why I was thinking about this, since I already know when to use each one personally and it's not like I'm ever going to be required to teach a lesson on it or anything. But for whatever reason, think of it I did.
I was originally going to write some big angry ranty thing, because I was a little bit ticked off at the world this morning but right now I just don't have the energy for a big angry rant. I just want to go to bed and not get up for five days, but if course I work tomorrow. I do have Sunday off, but then I work until Saturday and have the weekend off. Yay, my first two consecutive days off in three weeks! I was very much considering asking someone to take my shift tomorrow because I'm just so tiiiired and one day off never feels like enough to properly relax.
I have been trying to draw a bit the past couple days. I have been really hooked on the video game design college thing, and a lot of the classes focus on some form of drawing or another and I think I would be much more successful if I could actually draw a thing or two. I'm not quite sure yet, however, how I am going to deal with the problem of not being able to do diddly squat on a computer. Really the only thing I can contribute to the process of creating video games (or anything else) are the ideas. I'm not so good at formulating the idea itself into something physical. In fact I'm not good at it at all.
Anyhoo. I forget where the thought originated... it was something relating to me being afraid of something. But it got me thinking about how that's pretty much my whole life in two words - "being afraid." I could go on for about a billion paragraphs listing all of the things I'm afraid of and I'd probably still miss something. I just do not feel comfortable in my own skin. I do not feel secure in a world inhabited by so many people when I'm always hearing about all the things people do to each other for such ridiculous reasons.
I know that always being afraid of everything is a very poor way to go about one's life, I will be the first to admit that I do not truly have fun often. I never go out with friends, and pretty much the only place I have gone is to a bar and I don't drink and I have one friend in town and that's the only person I know so I always feel so weird and out of place. I don't hate it, but I mostly just end up standing there all night observing other people. I don't have the courage to go dance in the middle of a crowd of strangers, I don't have the self confidence to not give a crap what anyone thinks about my dancing or my appearance or my sobriety or whatever.
A while ago a friend asked me why I don't drink and I gave this really long, utter b.s. answer about how people rely on alcohol so much and how it's been driven into our minds that no matter what you're feeling alcohol is appropriate for the occasion (depression, celebration, relaxation, exhaustion, etc.) and it kind of drives me crazy how some people are so disbelieving that someone could POSSIBLY live a successful life without ever getting falling-down-pissing-yourself-and-barfing-everywhere drunk, and how I wanted to prove to myself that these people were wrong. But I'll tell you a secret, my life does not feel very successful to me. But that's because I am emo.
My eyes are closing repeatedly without my consent and they keep staying closed for longer and longer periods of time, so I'mma wrap this off. Probably will write tomorrow and elaborate on one or two things some more... if I remember.
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