Good evening solar system. No clever one-liner today.
I am a bit mad at myself, because I did something stupid (something else). I was scheduled to work 6-9 today. It was supposed to be my day off, but my boss asked if I could come in to help the new guy with the first close by himself. When I went in today the girl who was acting as supervisor told me that it had been really quiet all day so she wasn't sure they needed me. She asked the new guy if he needed help and he said he didn't think so, so she told me I could go if I wanted. And I did. I planned to go back, but by the time came for when I had planned to go back I had talked myself out of it.
You see, the thing is that it shouldn't have mattered whether they had been busy, because I was asked to come in and make sure that everything was done as it should be. That is what was requested and that is what I agreed to. I shouldn't have chosen to go home, and at the least I should have gone back. And now tomorrow I have to face my boss and try to explain the lame reasoning behind why I went home. "Oh, I was told I wasn't needed"
That isn't an excuse to any extent, because when my boss MADE the request he told me I probably wouldn't be NEEDED but that he wanted me there just to make SURE nothing got missed. But I was tired, and I was lazy, and I just wanted to have my two days without work.
It's no secret that I'm not entirely in love with my job, but I hate that I didn't keep my word and I hate that I probably caused inconvenience for the person opening the store tomorrow, and I hate that people are going to be disappointed in me.
I've made the decision that I'm going to go in tomorrow morning and ask them if there's anything they need my help with, to try to make up for it. If anything didn't get done it will be my fault, so I feel like I really have to do something to make up for it.
To make this whole thing even more pleasant, it's just bringing up all of these old feelings about how I just never do anything but screw things up and disappoint people. It's the one thing in my life that remains consistent. That and just generally annoying people. This entry may come off as "emo" but I don't really care. I *am* emotional, and I *am* sensitive, and I *do* have this flurry of sad and self-doubting thoughts going on in my mind all the time.
I joke around so much, even when I'm saying depressing things, that I think I cover up what's really going on underneath. I say I hate my job because it's something that people can understand, something that people can accept - but the thing I really hate is being around people. I don't know how to act like myself because I have no idea what the hell my self is. I am a big ball of problems and uncertainly and I can't find the one strand that will help me start to unravel it all. I just keep pulling it tighter and tighter and soon it's going to be one big knot.
You'll see me tomorrow.
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