I'm not even going to bother writing out an introduction this time around. I joined a forum a while ago but I've been too nervous to post anything. There is something I have been kind of struggling with for a couple years, and I don't know how to deal with it so I just keep pushing it down and pushing it down and it keeps coming back up over and over, and I don't know how much longer I can go without facing it. But it's not something I can just stare down and admit to myself that it's there and then it will just cure itself over time. It won't happen like that, and it'll never go away. It is going to alter my life severely in many ways And that scares me a lot.
I thought I had things figured out. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I had a good idea of where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do. I didn't know any of that. I still don't. I am as lost and scared and alone as I was when I was 14, which is pretty much etched into my brain as the worst year of my life so far.
Depression sucks because when I'm depressed I feel like I can't talk about it, because then people get worried, and then people start asking questions, and then they want me to get professional help, and I don't want to answer questions and I certainly don't want to get professional help. It is stupid because maybe I need it. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of petty things, maybe it's all in my head. But if it is then my head is going to explode soon because that is one intense quantity of failure bouncing around up there.
I have some more profound (and less whiny) things to write about.. but not today.
Oh, except I should mention I made cookies and they're amazing.
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