Good evening solar system, I am quite sleepy.
Right now I am listening to a song called Gunning Down Romance and it's making me want to cry or go to sleep or something. Or maybe it's life that is making me want to do that. This lady I work with quit yesterday, which means I'm probably going to be covering the opening shifts for a while. I will probably get weekends off because the school-going crew can fill in those days, but it's going to make it hard to have any non-weekend days off. As it is I didn't get any days off this week, I'm assuming because we are so short staffed right now.
We did get a new guy starting today though, so hopefully he will learn quickly so we all don't die. No pressure or anything. I'm a little nervous that now that the other lady is gone everyone's going to start realizing how crappy I am at my job. Not that I haven't worked plenty of shifts without her, but she's good to have around. Her main problem is that she's very moody and also quite bossy, she likes having things her way. There is no difference of opinion with her, if you disagree - about anything at all - you are wrong. And that bugs me. But when she's not cranky and driving people crazy I kind of like having her around.
I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, I think I mentioned a while ago that I wasn't allowed to talk about it yet... but my roommate is going to be out of a job soon and lots of people are pressuring him to get a job where I work, because it's similar to what he does now and he knows a lot of people there. But I really don't think he wants to work there, especially considering how much he hates his current job. There's also the whole situation where he doesn't want to have to "come out" to everyone. One of our managers is someone he's known for a long time and I can't say I know what that situation would feel like. I can see why he wants to stay away from that.
Anyhoo. I'm still kind of in a miserable mood. I kind of went into an emosplosion yesterday.. or wait, maybe the day before. Either way that wasn't fun and I will try to avoid doing that again although when I was thinking about it after... it's kind of weird that I should feel the need to censor myself in my journal entries. I guess if I'm going to do this right then I have to open myself up completely.
Posting that I'm queer or that I hate my job or whatever is no problem. I've told hundreds of people that I'm queer and pretty much everyone who is employed or was employed etc. has had the experience of having a job they hate. But when it comes to telling people certain things... I always avoid it, even with my friends. I want people to see me in a certain way, I want a certain image of myself to be put forward and I have learned to hide behind that image really well. It's not enough to want to be seen as a good person for me, I want to be a very specific good person, and when someone's vision of me doesn't match the image I try to present it bothers me.
For that reason I think I'm also going to cut down on my "yous" and such. No more "What do you guys think" and stuff like that, because if people read my posts and have something to say, they will say it without being invited. This is a journal for me to figure out who I am, and I can't rely on others for that. If I help other people along the way, great. If other people are interested in what I have to say, that's excellent. But I have to focus on what made me start this in the first place, and that is the fact that I'm spinning blindly through space, and I need to slow myself down. I need to learn and discover and experience and find some sort of direction. And most of all I need to find some sort of conclusion at the end, and it's looking like that is going to be the hardest part. I'm already 1/12th of the way done and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. It's basically how I feel about my life as a whole, just on a smaller scale.
And now I need to go to bed, so that is all.
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