August 23rd - Writing Woes

Happy 10 pm, solar system.

I had today off from work, and even though I really wanted to write something I just ended up playing video games most of the day. And showering.

There is one little project I've been working on for a few months now, fleshing out the characters and whatnot. So I kind of want to get started with writing that, but the problem is that I don't really know how to work it into a novel format because the idea was largely inspired by video games. Therefore, the project itself has largely been regarded as a "video game" project in my brain, with characters coming in and out like they would in an rpg storyline and so forth. The problem with this is a) I do not know how to write in "video game" format, and b) from what I have read, it is next to impossible to submit a video game concept unless you are already employed at a game company, and for the most they expect you to have some sort of demo which I am entirely incapable of.

So I have other projects as well. Many of them, some of which have been under construction for years. I just don't know what to do with them all. They are in my brain. I know they're up there, I hear them rattling around all the time. But I can't seem to ever squeeze them out. They seem to want to stay in there and I'm not sure I like that idea. In fact, I am pretty sure that I don't like it all. So anyone who knows a good way to motivate my lazy arse... let me know?

In other news, since I have been playing video games all day, I have been reminded of a few things that really bug me in rpg's. The first one is treasure chests that are sitting out in the open but there is no way to get them. The most common place for these is sitting right beside a shopkeeper behind a counter or something. Another thing that bugs me is extremely frequent battles that give really low amounts of exp. That not only makes things tedious, but really annoying as well.

I am kind of in a blah mood today. I wonder if my lack of motivation in writing comes from my general lack of significant experiences in my life. I haven't been in love in a long, long time. The only truly "serious" relationship I have been in was online, so I have never experienced that physical aspect of a relationship. And I don't mean sex, I really don't care about that in the least. If sex was all I wanted, I could have that without waiting for a relationship. What I want is to be comfortable with someone, and content. I want to have someone who will think it's cute when I get really excited over really dorky, nerdy things.

The problem is finding someone like that when I have such a huge problem reaching out to people. I am not the kind of person who can just walk into a room with a bunch of strangers and start talking to people. Especially if there is no one there I know. If I have a friend with me then I tend to be more comfortable. Or if the other person initiates the conversation I have an easier time. Especially if they give me something really easy to respond to, like asking what kind of music I listen to or something.

I have never really been good at socializing. When I was young I was constantly switching between groups of friends, and a big part of that is that I tend to get ignored a lot in groups of more than three people. Another part was that I was really annoying and sensitive and dramatic as a kid and to some extent I'm still not really over that though I think I have improved in the past eight or nine years.

There are just all these things about myself that I wish really bad I could change but it's also hard because, this may sound a bit conceited, but in general I like to think that I am an okay person. I think I have good morals, I don't think I'm very mean to people and I don't think that I'm a complete idiot. And so it's hard to identify the parts of myself that people find annoying and correct that. One of the things that my roommate gets frustrated at me a lot for is that I'm clumsy but to be fair he does have a habit of leaving his beverages sitting on the floor in front of his door. But I readily admit my clumsiness and take responsibility for the consequences of my misdirected movements.

In some ways I think I am still kind of a little kid. When people are upset with me I tend to take it really hard. I just stow away in some place where I don't have to see other people or talk to them and I figure that way I'm not around to irritate them, but then I'm just sitting in a room alone somewhere thinking about how I annoy everyone who I spend more than five seconds around and that isn't exactly helping things.

This is becoming really long winded and not really leading up to anything so I am going to get up and leave the house for the first time today. I will see you all tomorrow.