December 19 - Card Trick

So, it has been almost a month this time. But I have lots of exciting things to share.

On Monday the 6th I took a bus to Toronto to visit a friend for his birthday, which was on Tuesday. He is from New York, but since I don't have my passport I couldn't visit him there, so he drove up to Toronto and we stayed in a hotel. Lots of exciting things happened over the course of the next few days. We watched the "Last Airbender" movie, we got lost on our way to a restaurant and ended up eating at the wrong hotel on our way back, we spent most of Tuesday shopping in the Eaton's Centre and I spent 140 dollars on books (five of the eight were for my dad, then two on mythology and a pokedex for me)

Wednesday we spent the entire day at the Ontario Science Centre which was also lots of fun. Andrew doesn't like big scary water creatures though, and one of the exhibits had all these massive whale skeletons on display that were making him kinda anxious. Poor guy D: The museum also had a mythological beasts exhibit which I kind of wanted to live in, but we didn't end up spending a whole lot of time in there. Sadtimes.

At one point we ended up in this kind of pretend rainforesty area, and there was this big pretty waterfall but my camera just would not photograph it at all. If I left the flash on while I took the picture, it was too dark. If I took the flash off it was just one big blur. Maybe the waterfall was shy.

When we got back on Wednesday night, we ordered some pizza with wings and cinnamon sticks and all of that stuff was reeeeeeeally good and then we also concluded that both of us would like to try some wine and that was reeeeeeeeeally bad. Like, completely and utterly disgusting, there was just NOTHING good in there. We took about two sips each and the rest went in the toilet. Andrew was more persistent than me, but it didn't last long.

On Thursday, it was time for me to go home, so I took a cab to the bus station. However, before we left the bus station we talked, and we ended up deciding that we should be dating. And so now we are. And it's nice.

He came up Wednesday night to surprise me with a visit, because we both had Thursday off. He bought a gps just for the visit. And then once we got to the room I saw he had also spent a bunch of money on a small pink (fake of course) tree, a few presents for me, and like 5 pounds of chocolate. Seriously.

So, he tried a card trick out on me and mine had been the two of hearts, and the card he showed me when he said "Was this your card?" was the six of hearts. So I said "Mmmm, nope." so then we went and showered and then once both of us were all done I opened my presents. And when I opened the envelope and took out the card, the two of hearts was in it. I was very impressed/amazed/swoony. So yes, it was magical.

On Thursday we went for breakfast which was good, and we drove around a lot, but then when I got home and plugged in my phone I saw that I had gotten a text from one of my coworkers asking where I was. I went into my e-mail right away and checked the schedule, and it did say that I had Thursday off. So I texted her back and said I wasn't on the schedule, and she told me to call and talk to my boss. So I did. Turns out when he was making up the schedule, he wrote down the wrong name.

He asked if I could come in for a few hours, and I didn't want to leave Andrew after him driving all that way and spending so much money on a gps and presents and everything, and I reeeeally wanted to spend the rest of the day with him. But I dunno, I felt compelled to go in, I felt that even though it wasn't what I really wanted to do it would be the better thing to do. So I said I'd go in for 2:30, which gave Andrew and I another hour and a half (roughly). He even drove me to work so that we could spend as much time together as possible. I'm still sad that I had to leave for work, but he says he wasn't disappointed with the trip.

So yes. My boyfriend is fantastic.

Also, I have been playing a game on Facebook lately called Monster Galaxy and it is excellent. I've even roped a couple of my friends and even Andrew (who hates Facebook) into playing it with me. I'm also writing a little story on it, just for the fun of it.

I also bought three video games earlier in the week - Golden Sun: Dark Dawn, God of War: The Ghost of Sparta, and Legendary (PS3) and so far I have played all of them only a little bit. But I've spent the most time on GoWGoS. Haha. Gowgos, that's a fun word.

Anyhoozles. I've also started listening to the Korean group Turtles again. They were my favourite group for a long time and then I didn't listen to them for... probably almost a year. And by listen to them, I mean frequently, not ever. I've made a playlist on mp3 player of all of their songs (105 I think) and I intend to be listening to it all the way through. There aren't many artists who I can listen to every single song of. At least, not many with more than one or two albums (Turtles have 5, plus a bunch of other ep's and stuff).

Errrrm. What else is there? My work is closing down from December 19th to January 3rd, but I still have to go in from 9-5 on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday because I volunteered to help them with cleaning stuff. So thaaaaat won't be fun, but maybe it will be. I'm gonna bring my laptop so I have music. For the time I'm not working, though I am going to be visiting my parents and hopefully at some point after Christmas two of my best friends who I haven't seen in forever are going to visit.

I have so much stuff in my room, and I have nowhere to put it all. It's all just kind of piled up into disorganized three foot tall mounds. And if you think I am kidding about them being three feet tall, I assure you I am not. As you'd figure, even finding someplace to stand is a bit of a challenge at this point, nevermind actually moving around. After Christmas I will have significantly less stuff though, and that will be good.

Errrrm. Yes. That's all. At least, it had better be...

November 30 - Yeti

So, I am really annoyed with my body at the moment. 

It has this stupid habit of growing hair everywhere because it thinks that I'm a boy. Which, I guess for the most part I am. But regardless. I do not appreciate my body trying to make me into some wiry jungle beast. 

The most annoying thing is that even if I shave the hair off there is this horrid stubble left behind, despite all of my best efforts. And the only reason I shave at all is because the hair out-disgustings the stubble by a narrow margin. I want it all to just go away and not come back. If I could just somehow revert my body back to the way it was before puberty, that would really be excellent. 

I bought this tube of this burning shower chemical that is supposed to remove hair but it didn't work out so well for me. All it ended up doing was creating a bunch of random bald patches. It looked like some really small and ill-informed alien race had tried to make crop circles on my legs. The burning part worked really well, though. 

If anyone knows of any way to foil my body's attempts to ruin my life, please let me know. 

November 23 - Total Eclipse of the Heart

So, fantastic things that happened on Sunday;

1. My roommate bought me a tiger hat and took a picture of himself wearing it. It was adorable. 

2. I unlocked something like 7 or 8 achievements in this online Pokemon thing I play, and I got a Groudon and Shadow Lugia to show for it. UNFORTUNATELY THOUGH, a bunch of the achievements where I was really excited to see what the reward would be, there was no reward. At all. Which is especially annoying since one of them required me to get two Pokemon to level 100.

3. Also in the online Pokemon thing I play, I got a Groudon and a Shadow Lugia. And a Ditto (which are a pain in the ass to find and I've been searching one for a month or so)

4. I discovered this AMAZING show called Panty&Stocking with Garterbelt. It is an anime, but what sucks is that it is new, and I have to wait till Friday to see more D: 

Anyhoo, that is about it really. I have to go get something to eat so I don't die at work.

November 21 - Stocking

So, an abundance of really great things happened to me today but I have to go to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow. Also, there seems to be something stuck under my w key. Bother.

More on the abundance of wonderful things tomorrow.

November 16 - Fake

I am a work of fiction.

November 10 - Nothing Lasts

So, I now have three thousand something-something words written for my NaNoWriMo dealy. *is doomed*

I am going to have to write a metric butt ton of words in the next couple weeks if I hope to escape an eternal hell made up entirely of shame and low word counts. I can already feel the mass-shunnings beginning. 

On another note altogether, my manager at work has started calling me Sunshine. 

November 8th - NaNoWriMo-ing!

I started writing my novel for NaNoWriMo last night. I am kind of infatuated with the idea I came up with, I have been thinking about it constantly. It is about two boys, Thomas and Kyle, and they are in love and things happen and then stuff happens as a result of the things. 

The idea actually came from a dream I had. It's kind of an embarrassing thing to type out but I guess I might as well while I can still remember it. So here goes.

First of all; things that dream-me was automatically aware of despite the fact that there was absolutely nothing present within the dream to hint at any of them. The first thing that it was Halloween. The second was that I was on my first date with a guy, and that we were in his basement (though it was only down a couple of steps, not a full underground basement) and that the guy I was on a date with was of Scottish decent despite not having a Scottish accent. 

So anyway, my dream self (who was shorter than my real self) and the unnamed date were sitting on a couch. There was a movie playing but both of us were very nervous and awkward so we weren't really paying attention. Then after a moment, his cat came down the steps and had a plastic toy or something, and so my date leaned over to see what the cat had, and the way he was leaning over made it so that his face was only about an inch or two away from mine, but it was the side of his face (which is not ideal for smooching)

So instead, the dream me decided that the appropriate response to this situation would be to lick the date's cheek. Date was clearly very surprised but also very obviously approved of the spontaneity. I also distinctly remember him sitting back down in his original position and saying "That was wicked" (to which non-dream me says. "Who calls things wicked these days. Seriously.")

Dream me got really embarrassed about that, so he propped his elbow up on the arm of the couch and leaned himself against his fist so that he was titled away from his date. Then the date wrapped his arms around dream-me's waist and told him not to be embarrassed, because he really did like me/him. And I think that's really all there was to the dream, though I did make up a bit more in my head after I woke up (and to prevent any weird things from nesting in the back of peoples minds I will point out that no, there was never at any point anything more "mature" than the cheek licking.) 

Uhhhm. That's about it for today I guess. I will write more when I have more to write, which might be after I get a good night's sleep. Who knows when that will be.

November 6th - Woopsidaisy

So, I am in Barrie. That's a city. It has like malls and junk.

I am visiting a friend. She came for an impromptu visit earlier today and then I did laundry at the laundromat (twenty dollars in quarters! And after I had already cashed it in I remembered the machines dispense loonies, too!)

While we were visiting she asked me if I would like to come back to her home with her for the night and I eventually decided that it would be fun so I said yes and here I am. I am currently on their futon.

It was so weird for me... I haven't seen this friend in three years. Before she drove me to Barrie we had to stop by her mother's place and it has probably been about four years since I've been to that town, let alone down that road to their house. I was kind of speechless going down that road, and I was trying to explain what a strange feeling it was being back there again but I just couldn't find any way to put it into words. I have lots more memories with this friend than I had thought I did, and it's kind of weird to think of how that never occurred to me.

My friend has mentioned to me a couple things that she thinks have really changed about her, but from my own personal viewpoint she doesn't seem that different. There are the same things that were there before, they're just... bigger I guess?

I'm starting to wonder if I've changed. If what I've perceived as personal growth has just been the same thing - a mere expansion of pre-existing traits. But maybe we are all born with certain traits and our personally is decided on which ones develop to what sizes, not which ones we had in the first place. Or maybe it's more of a combination of both.

Anyhoo, thanks to Annabel for prompting me to post this because I wouldn't have stumbled back here if not for her comment a few moments ago. And all in all, I think this post contains a few things that I'll be glad to have written down.

October 31 - Holiday

So cold. So tired. Feel so so sick.

Very, very lonely.

Happy Halloween.

October 29 - Hachoo

So yesterday, I was watching Death Note with a friend and on the site we were watching it, an advertisement pops up before the video plays. Mine happened to be a beer commercial, and let's just say I was entirely underwhelmed. And that it was stupid. I believe my exact thoughts were something along the lines of "Fucking beer commercials, no wonder I don't drink!"

Today at work some coworkers were discussing the lewd attire commonly assiciated with high-school girls at Halloween. I've never been one to deny that lots of girls readily take advantage of the holiday as a free-for-all slutfest but I thought, maybe there's a bit more to it than that. I mean, it's pretty obvious from that conversation and others I've heard that girls that age are 100% expected to dress like sluts, like that's their only option or something. And of course everyone thinks badly of them for doing it, even though it's exactly what they've decided is going to happen.

Anyhoo, I was just thinking. We all know that is sucks to be a teenager, and I'm not going to pretend that being a girl doesn't bring on a loooot of extra baggage centered around aesthetics. You know the saying "no publicity is bad publicity"? Well I figure maybe it's sort of like that. In a word where girls are pressured so hard to be so thin, to be so drop dead gorgeous, to be so this and so that, I figure it's not hard for some of them (or hell ALL of them) to feel invisible at times. And we've seen plenty of proof that this kind of clothing can garner attention. So even if people are calling them sluts and whatever else, at least someone saw them right?

Maybe I'm 100% wrong on this, but being right isn't really important here. It was just an interesting train of thought that I wanted to get down. Maybe teenagers really are just mindless and sex-crazed and whatever else, but having been one not too long ago I can say that I think a lot of people don't really recall just how much stuff goes on inside your head during those years. So here's hoping I never forget.



Also I finally started writing my Pokemon fan fiction. Yay prologue!

October 27th - Ellipses

So I kind of have not updated this in four days. Still haven't heard from any of those people who had said that they'd help keep me on track >.>

Admittedly, this project was kind of doomed to failure from the beginning... because it was a project of mine, after all. I just don't really feel any need to be updating regularly. The only two people to comment in over a month were two good friends of mine and that was pretty much exclusively because I sent them a link on Facebook to a certain post. Maybe I stopped being interesting after the first week week. Maybe it's because I met a lot of the initial supporters at a forum and I don't really post there anymore.

On a bit of a side tangent regarding that; I'm a member of like a hundred forums but I'm not really a frequent member at any of them because any time I post I generally get ignored by the entire community. So I end up feeling like I'm wasting my time and feeling rejected repeatedly on top of it. I probably get ignored because I'm pretty much a failure at being social, but oh well.

Or maybe everyone is just pre-occupied with work or school. Or maybe a hundred other possibilities.

In any case. There's a chance that this could be my last post. I'll probably end up coming back, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week from now. But right now I just don't have the energy to be prolonging yet another failure.

October 23rd - Mrs. Misses

No introduction for this one, either.

In case it isn't obvious already I have really lost motivation for this project already. It's only been two months. There haven't been any comments, and things in life are just piling up higher and higher and it just doesn't seem like there's any point to it anymore. I need to stop joining new forums because I can never keep up. I used to only be a member of one forum. That was nice. I was very good at keeping up then.

I can't even remember if I wrote about this already - I don't think I did. Early in December I am going to visit a friend of mine in Toronto for their birthday. With luck, another friend will be coming along which is good because I have not seen her in like seven months (will have been nine by then) and I miss her a loooot. I also miss things like regular hugs. And seeing more than one or two friends on a regular basis. And thinking life would be as simple as realizing I was gay and then waiting for the rest of my life to just march on by in the wake of the big revelation.

The revelations aren't done yet, and I haven't seen a single marcher. I have seen a couple tired pedestrians shuffling their feet, but no line of marchers as of yet. I am frustrated and I am miserable and I feel sick and I am so so lonely, and all of this just makes me even more frustrated and miserable because I think about how I am so lucky compared to some other people and yet it's never enough. I want to be one of those people who is just thankful and content and takes what comes to them and doesn't hide, but I can't figure it out. It seems simple enough but something about it just doesn't figure right inside my head.

Anyhoo. I am going to go to bed because it's 2am and no one's online so I am bored, and I also have to work tomorrow. Sooooo bye.

October 22nd - Uninteresting

This is going to be a very short and bland post. Just figured I'd warn you.

I am very very sleepy and very very bored and everything hurts and I feel ill. I am going to go to bed a bit earlier than usual and see if that helps any.

Unfortunately "going to bed a bit earlier than usual" means going right now. Hence why this is going to be so short.

Have to call some people about an apartment tomorrow. Woo-hoo. My favourite.
(I have very little knowledge about how this whole apartment renting thing gets initiated. Hopefully someone can fill me in on that. Like, after I call them do I have to go and sign some stuff? Am I allowed to call them and ask a bunch of questions then tell them I'll call them back and talk to my roommates or do people not like that kind of thing? Siiigh, so lost)

October 20th - Frus-tur-ay-shun

Good morning solar system. I think I've discovered why stupid people are usually noticeably happier than smarter people - it's because the more you think about things the more frustrating they become.

I realized this because I've been thinking a lot about the world lately. And how I'm pretty much guaranteed to have to put up with bullshit for my entire life and there's not a single thing I can do about it. Even if I died tomorrow through some random unforseeable mishap, I still would have had to put up with bullshit for my entire life.

Here's the thing. The thing that lots and lots of people need to pay very close attention to (though I doubt any of them will ever read this.

Being gay is not a choice. It is not a phase. It is not a sin, and it is not a disease. Queer people are not a cult. We aren't setting out to ruin families, we aren't setting out to corrupt and pervert children.

I would like to think that I am nice. I would like to think that I generally treat people kindly, and with fairness. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I've never had sex and I recycle where the option is given. I care about animals deeply and I don't even kill bugs (except mosquitoes. I'm sorry to say that I am prejudiced against those, but it's not their fault that they're evil.) But those aren't the things that most people think of in regards to me. I am the gay friend. I'm the gay son, gay brother, gay coworker, gay student, gay classmate and so on, and so forth.

I don't mean to sound like a jerk when I say this, but... that irritates me. More than a little. I don't even use that word to describe myself, but it's what people have been calling me since before I even knew what SEX was let alone sexual orientation. I am sick of it. I want to be a person, a real three dimensional person. I don't think I have mentioned this here yet, but I hate gender roles and I hate all these little sub-sects of sexual orientation that we've been divided into.

Why is that that we still expect boys to play sports, and women to cook, and woman to be big and muscled and women to be sickly thin and drowned in makeup. Why is there tomboys and tomgirls and bull dykes and camp gays and whatever else. Why can't we all just be PEOPLE.

I understand that people like to label things. They like to have clear lines that state if something is this, it is this. But that's not how people work. There are exceptions to every rule and every time a new rule is made there is going to be an exception already existing somewhere.

I am sick and tired of worrying every single day "what will somebody think of" (something they have no right knowing anyway) because I hear on tv or read online that someone's committed suicide, someone's been murdered, someone's been beaten within an inch of their lift and left lying there, for no reason. Some may say the reason was that they were gay, that they were transgendered, that they were whatever, but that is NOT a reason. Maybe it was a motivation, but never a reason. There is not an ounce of sound logic behind that kind of action, not one tiny fragment of reason. It is cruel an it is heartless, and it is brainless and savage beast lashing out like an animal trapped in the corner because they don't understand something, and the lack of understanding frightens them.

This is not something that is new to the world. Humans have always lashed out against things that were unknown to them (rather violently, too) but luckily we have narrowed it down quite significantly (at least in this country we have).

Anyhoo, I am very tired and I'm probably going to read this back tomorrow and think it sounds crazy and ridiculous, but oh well. Those are my thoughts for tonight.

October 19th - Caffeine

I had an energy drink earlier tonight and even though I have been really really sleepy for some time now, I have not yet gone to bed. Though I will soon.

A couple keys on my keyboard have not been working very well lately on account of the keypad having crumbs in it. So I took a couple keys off to brush out underneath them and then replaced them with no problem. But when I went to remove the ./> key, it decided it didn't want to come off for some reason and long story short I'm pretty sure I broke it. I can still use the period obviously but it is kind of sticking up a little and it only works if I press it from certain angles. So I am going to have to look into getting that fixed.

I need to talk to my boss about getting a few days off in January, a friend of mine (who I know only online, we met once briefly at prom where there were always other people around and so we didn't talk directly to each other much) want me to come visit with him in Toronto. However he doesn't live in Toronto which means we have to stay at a hotel which makes me a liiiittle bit nervous, especially since I kind of have a history with this friend and him hitting on me a lot >.> But things have mellowed out a lot in the past month or two and so I think it'll be okay. I really wish I could bring someone with me though.

I typed January but I meant December.

I started a new file in FireRed, which I'm not sure if I mentioned. My team mostly consists of Pokemon I've never used before; Charizard, Gloom, Hypno, Snorlax, Kabuto, Marowak. Just for fun,

Charizard (Red) - Male
Scratch (to become Slash)
Wing Attack
Flamethrower
Fly

Gloom (Blue) - Female
Absorb (to be replaced by Magical Leaf when it becomes Bellossom)
Stun Spore
Toxic (to become Sludge Bomb when I get the TM)
Cut

Hypno (Yellow) - Female
Hypnosis
Dream Eater
Psychic
Headbutt

Snorlax (Platinum) - Male
Strength
Body Slam
Rest
Sleep Talk

Kabuto (Gold) - Male
Scratch (to be replaced by Slash)
Rock Slide
Surf
Absorb (to be replaced by Mega Drain)

Marowak (Silver) - Female
Headbutt (will likely be replaced by Return)
Bone Club (to be replaced by Bone Rush or Earthquake)
Bonemerang
Tail Whip (to be replaced by False Swipe)

That's all for my geeking.

The problem with drinking energy drinks is that it's a fair trade. Not long after you drink them they begin to omnom your insides and make all sorts of unpleasant noises while doing so.
Also, the problem with all nighters is that they tend to be devastating to any stores of snackfoods one may have saved up. But alas. That is the price we pay.

I shall be back tomorrow.

Edit: I had to go back and edit some previous entries. I had jumped from the 13th to the 16th and written the 17th twice. The problem is even though I've fixed the post titles, the wrong dates still show up in the url. Sometimes I fail hxc.

October 18th - Gay Means Happy

Good morning solar system. I brought some of my rainbow cupcakes to work today and everyone who had them thought they were amazing. It's funny because only one person really commented on the taste, everyone else was just like OMG THEY ARE SO PRETTY HOW DID YOU DO THAT. I have decided that when I am a famous singer (shut up, it will happen) I am going to make a music video for a song called Rainbow (which I haven't written yet) that will consist entirely of the process of me baking rainbow cupcakes. And then no one will ever have to ask me how I do it again.

There are too many chocolate chip cookies left and not enough coconut ones. I really only made the chocolate chip ones because other people like them (oddly I am not a big fan of chocolate, all of my favourite chocolate bars are only my favourites because the stuff UNDER the chocolate is so tasty) and my mother, who is the primary other people in this case, ate a bunch of the coconut ones. D'oh.

Also, after my boss had one of the cupcakes he told me that the swords were out now. My boss likes to bake as well, and he has told me a couple times about the apple pie he makes. So he said next time he baked one he is going to bring me some. I thought that was really great. It was very unexpected, yes. But also good. I don't really know why, I guess it was because it made me feel special. I like to feel special, and saying that seems a bit vain to me but I think most people do, to some extent. We want to feel like we're appreciated, like someone sees us and approves of us and that we stand out from the gibbering masses.

On the 20th is an event (for lack of a better word) where people all over the world will be wearing purple to commemorate queer youth who have committed suicide in the past weeks. The last I heard was 13 in three weeks. I sadly don't think I own anything that is mostly purple, so I think I will be wearing rainbows instead. I do have a maroon sweatshirt though, that should count right?

Anyhoo. It is a bit late, I have already stayed up an hour too long. I have to work at 10 tomorrow and I also have to shower before then. I really should have showered today before work, but... well. I didn't. Too bad.

That's all for today.

October 17 - Muffans

Good morning solar system. I made muffins. They're pretty.

I'm going to bed very soon because I am kind of dead. A friend from the states wants to come to Toronto and wants me to visit with him for a couple days. We'd have to stay in a hotel though, so I'm a bit uncomfortable. Especially since it'll only be our second time meeting and there won't be anyone else I know around. And the first time we met there were lots of other people so we didn't even talk that much.

I started a new file in FireRed today, I like my team so far.

I want to eat a cookie but I have to sleep. Saaaad.

October 16th - Abitsad

I'm not even going to bother writing out an introduction this time around. I joined a forum a while ago but I've been too nervous to post anything. There is something I have been kind of struggling with for a couple years, and I don't know how to deal with it so I just keep pushing it down and pushing it down and it keeps coming back up over and over, and I don't know how much longer I can go without facing it. But it's not something I can just stare down and admit to myself that it's there and then it will just cure itself over time. It won't happen like that, and it'll never go away. It is going to alter my life severely in many ways And that scares me a lot.

I thought I had things figured out. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I had a good idea of where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do. I didn't know any of that. I still don't. I am as lost and scared and alone as I was when I was 14, which is pretty much etched into my brain as the worst year of my life so far.

Depression sucks because when I'm depressed I feel like I can't talk about it, because then people get worried, and then people start asking questions, and then they want me to get professional help, and I don't want to answer questions and I certainly don't want to get professional help. It is stupid because maybe I need it. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of petty things, maybe it's all in my head. But if it is then my head is going to explode soon because that is one intense quantity of failure bouncing around up there.

I have some more profound (and less whiny) things to write about.. but not today.

Oh, except I should mention I made cookies and they're amazing.

October 15 - Forgotten

Good morning. It's technically the 16th and I also didn't write an entry for yesterday.

I actually had a whole big mess of things that I was going to write for today's entry, but right now... I just do not feel up to it at all. I feel ill and I am sleepy, and otherwise miserable in general. So that's unfortunate, because it means I have had two entirely unproductive days in a row. Feh.

However seeing as though there's not really anything I can do about that I am now going to bed.

October 13th - Vegetables... I Need Some

Good morning, solar system. My body hates me.

I think that my vegetable deficiency has actually come at a very appropriate time, because I am going to visit my parents this weekend. And if there's one thing my parents always have it is vegetables. They put fruit in almost everything. I guess I could solve my vegetable problem by just eating more salad. Which I think I will attempt tomorrow. But the salads at work are like $7 where as wraps are $2 and other unhealthy stuff are also plenty of things that aren't $7. But my body is really getting overloaded with salt and sugar I think. I might not even have dressing on my salad tomorrow.

So, on Friday when my mother comes to pick me up and take me home I have to ask her if she would mind driving me to Wal Mart so that I can purchase Pokemon SoulSilver for a friend of mine. There is an event starting soon where you can obtain Mew through WiFi, and Mew is one of his favourite Pokemon so I would be really sad to see him miss it. For the moment I've got money to spare anyway, so why not.

I currently have a bandaid on my (rather hairy) forearm, because I got splashed by grease at work today and it was all burny and developed into a blister in a short span of time. And then a couple hours later I hit it on something and peeled the skin right off, causing it to hurt more than it did when it initially got burned. And for a longer period, too. Also (this is gonna be a bit gross so if you're easily grossed out just skip to the next paragraph after the parenthesis) it has been continuously oozing clear liquid, so the hairs around it are all stuck down and the bandaid is mostly just to stop my arm from oozing on things.

I also have another burn on my other arm just below my elbow (but on the top of my arm) that is like 3 inches long because I was trying to re-arrange some food yesterday to make it so the separate orders were grouped together instead of just being a big random mess, and my arm hit the top of the pass-through which is very very hot. Sooo I am probably going to have a couple more scars. Oh, and the side of my one finger got some skin ripped off when it scraped against the door handle of our walk-in fridge.

I have noticed that if you insert a number into a word, spellchecker won't pick up on the spelling error. For example I could type slobhopple and a red line will appear underneath it, but if I type slobhopple5 then no line will appear.

I just 'rescued' a scary looking spider, and it was quite the adventure. The reason I put rescued between apostrophes is because I actually just tossed it outside (quite literally, I'm afraid) and it is kind of cold and predatory out there. But it drastically lowers the chances of it crawling under my bed and me rolling over on it or something (since I sleep on a deflated air mattress) or me stepping on it or putting my water jug down on its head or something.

Gonna go dance around a bit then go to bed. Ta-ta.

October 12th - Humanity Measurement

Good evening solar system, I am sleepy (as usual).

Today at work I was thinking. What is it that makes us not just humans, but something more. What is it that makes us not just another race of animals, but actually "people." My theory, pessimistic as it may sound is that it is in large part thanks to one trait; foolishness. Whether we're doing something irrational because of someone we love, for something we believe in, or because we are scared or upset or maybe even plain insensitive - the fact that we have those stumbles, those falls, and sometimes take down the entire proverbial house of cards with us, is what allows is to be the beings we have come to be.

In one person's lifetime, countless mistakes and foolish thoughts and actions are made, and countless others are avoided. Sometimes there are no major repercussions. Sometimes they are life-altering for not only us but others involved. We not only make the mistakes, but we make all the decisions and think all the thoughts leading up to the mistakes, we feel the pain and disappointment of the aftermath, and more often than not, we come away learning something about ourselves or the world.

From what I have been told, many people try to figure out what the point of it all is. I have wondered this numerous times myself, but I have come to realize something. There is no universal solution. There is no secret formula for a happy life, there is no great and all-encompassing answer. There is just us. In the end, I think that's what it really comes down. We have to find our own answers, build our own world and make our own meaning. We have to take a good look at the world around us - our world - and realize that it is just that. Your neighbour, your best friend, your mother, they all have their own worlds, and the meaning of theirs probably differs greatly from the meaning of your own. Because they have made different mistakes. They have felt different pains, and they have shed different tears.

Now for a second matter which I'm going to try to squeeze in before I fall asleep.

I was talking to a coworker the other day about a transgander friend of mine. We have discussed the subject very briefly once or twice before, so I know she's not transphobic or anything. But in this instance she did say something which I didn't agree with, and that was that my friend was technically still a girl, because he has the same body parts as my coworker does. I was speechless, partly because I wasn't the mood to get into it (especially not at work) and partly because I didn't know how to explain it.
A lesbian once asked me what it felt like to have an erection - and this was kind of like that. Because I know what my own brain tells me is right and wrong, and I know some very basic reasons for why my brain tells me those things. But I don't know what is inside someone else's brain. I don't know how it feels to be in their head, and I have nothing to make a reference to because not only am I not inside their brain, they aren't inside mine.
I do not think that the essence of a person comes down to one chromosome. I do not think that a persons identity is made up entirely of their physical form. I think a person is the thoughts and the words and the sensitivities and the humor, and all of those things that we can't see but we come to discover by being around someone. I don't think you can ever know a person just by seeing them on the street or talking to them once. A person is an essence, a set of traits and inner workings, and a whole entire world of things we will never ever know about. So to say that the essence of a person, that the thoughts and the feelings that are so frightening and confusing for so many people, are defined by whether they've got lumps on their chest or their crotch, to me seems very wrong and very demeaning to the person.
There is a reason we say someone has a kind soul, that they have a gentle soul and not a brunette soul or a bespectacled soul. Because brown hair and glasses are things that happen randomly when a bunch of strands of DNA get all smooshed together and decide based on (what my extremely limited knowledge of genetics assumes to be) a somewhat random chemical reaction, what kind of physical form to build out of the cells and components that the conception process presents it with. They are not the very core of what a person is, and frankly, I don't think a person's gender is NEARLY as important as some people in this world make it out to be.

That's all for me. You'll see me tomorrow.

October 11th - Turkeys

Good evening solar system. Looks like I won't be getting to bed before 4 this morning.

It has been such a booooring day. Things were really slow at work, then I came home and there wasn't a single person to talk to on msn all night. But I had a cookies & cream milkshake which was really tasty. I started writing a story thing, but it is kind of bleeeh and I will need to edit it a couple hundred times. I also wrote approximately half of two separate sets of song lyrics.

Aaaand I joined a forum, but I haven't posted anything there as of yet. I never know how to get started in a place where I don't know anyone, or how to introduce myself or anything.

I'm gonna go to bed now and come back to edit this tomorrow if I think of anything else. My head hurts.

You'll see me tomorrow.

October 10th - Old Tricks

Good evening solar system. No clever one-liner today.

I am a bit mad at myself, because I did something stupid (something else). I was scheduled to work 6-9 today. It was supposed to be my day off, but my boss asked if I could come in to help the new guy with the first close by himself. When I went in today the girl who was acting as supervisor told me that it had been really quiet all day so she wasn't sure they needed me. She asked the new guy if he needed help and he said he didn't think so, so she told me I could go if I wanted. And I did. I planned to go back, but by the time came for when I had planned to go back I had talked myself out of it.

You see, the thing is that it shouldn't have mattered whether they had been busy, because I was asked to come in and make sure that everything was done as it should be. That is what was requested and that is what I agreed to. I shouldn't have chosen to go home, and at the least I should have gone back. And now tomorrow I have to face my boss and try to explain the lame reasoning behind why I went home. "Oh, I was told I wasn't needed"

That isn't an excuse to any extent, because when my boss MADE the request he told me I probably wouldn't be NEEDED but that he wanted me there just to make SURE nothing got missed. But I was tired, and I was lazy, and I just wanted to have my two days without work.

It's no secret that I'm not entirely in love with my job, but I hate that I didn't keep my word and I hate that I probably caused inconvenience for the person opening the store tomorrow, and I hate that people are going to be disappointed in me.

I've made the decision that I'm going to go in tomorrow morning and ask them if there's anything they need my help with, to try to make up for it. If anything didn't get done it will be my fault, so I feel like I really have to do something to make up for it.

To make this whole thing even more pleasant, it's just bringing up all of these old feelings about how I just never do anything but screw things up and disappoint people. It's the one thing in my life that remains consistent. That and just generally annoying people. This entry may come off as "emo" but I don't really care. I *am* emotional, and I *am* sensitive, and I *do* have this flurry of sad and self-doubting thoughts going on in my mind all the time.

I joke around so much, even when I'm saying depressing things, that I think I cover up what's really going on underneath. I say I hate my job because it's something that people can understand, something that people can accept - but the thing I really hate is being around people. I don't know how to act like myself because I have no idea what the hell my self is. I am a big ball of problems and uncertainly and I can't find the one strand that will help me start to unravel it all. I just keep pulling it tighter and tighter and soon it's going to be one big knot.

You'll see me tomorrow.

October 9th - Alchemy

Good evening, solar system. I hope I can finish this before I fall asleep.

My roommate and I went to Wal-Mart today. My primary reason for going was to check if they had Fullmetal Alchemist on DVD, since I could not find it for a reasonable price on any of the online places I checked. I figured it was a bit of a stretch, and it turned out that they didn't have any. However, I have ordered it online for around $40, but there is something I am unsure about. I will see when it arrives, I suppose.

Also I continued on with watching Brotherhood, and I got to around episode 27 (I believe) and then the next episode was only available in Japanese. I'm not sure if the English dub is still airing and so isn't available yet, but I was kinda disappointed because I don't want to watch half in English and half in Japanese. I'm way too accustomed to the English voices by now, I think.

I also watched the first three episodes of Ergo Proxy, which looks like it's going to be really good. I also need to finish watching Eureka 7 and Monster someday. And for some reason lately I also kind of want to watch Dragon Ball.

I'm gonna wrap this up, because I have already fallen asleep for a while without meaning to.

You'll see me tomorrow.

October 8 - Sleepy? Yes I am!

Good evening, solar system. It is really too warm in here.

I just finished episode 20 of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood a moment ago. It's interesting seeing all the differences between it and the first series. One thing that makes me sad though is how little Shesca there is in Brotherhood. That show needs moar Shesca. On the bright side, there is a lot of Hawkeye and Izumi and... uh... someone else. I forgot. OH YEAH! Major Armstrong. They are all made of awesome.

I'm sooo sleepy, which is kind of lame because it's not even midnight and I have a day off tomorrow which means I have this great opportunity to stay up late, but since I'm so sleepy there will be no gratuitous sleep deprivation for me. And that is one of my favourite hobbies.

There was one thing that happened at work that I wanna write about, but I am too sleepy to type it all our right now, so I'll leave that for tomorrow and hope that I remember.

Be back tomorrow! 8D

October 7 - Pizza!

Good evening, solar system. I'm sleeeeepy. (as usual)

I started watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood today. I'm on episode 9, so that's exciting. Also MY NEW HOODIE CAME TODAY! It's so red and pretty and I can't wait to wear it outside. Hopefully it will be cold tomorrow. Actually, I will be showering tomorrow morning anyway so it'll probably at least seem a bit chilly.

I am excited because after tomorrow I get a day off. And then I only work three hours on Sunday. It will just be so nice to relax. On my last day off I had to go do laundry and get groceries and then I wanted ice cream so I went into work. That is not a day off well spent. Sure, in a practical sense it was probably well spent. But this is one of the instances where I would prefer contentment over practicality.

I just cannot get over how tired I have been lately. No amount of sleep ever seems to be enough. But I have been dealing with this for a loooong time, because I have a long standing habit of depriving myself of sleep in favour of going on the internet or playing video games or something like that. I keep saying to myself "Okay, I need to start something. I need something productive to work on. I need to get something finished, I have to accomplish something" but then as soon as I get home from work I flop down on my bed and pretty much only get up to pee for the next five or six hours until I go to bed. And that is not productive. I don't even really write anything except instant messages and these posts.

I've been looking to buy the Fullmetal Alchemist series on DVD, but it is way too expensive. It's like $45 (before taxes) for 25 episodes. And I haven't found any place where both seasons are sold together, except for someone on ebay selling them both for like $102 which is still way too much in my opinion. I don't even want to think about how much it would be for the Brotherhood series.

I know this might be a bit strange, but the past couple days I have been kind of feeling... bored. But not normal kind of bored. More in a romantic sense. And no I'm not talking about anything sexual. I just mean that for a while there hasn't been anyone for me to have a crush on. No cute celebrities to spaz over, no attractive coworkers or grocery store workers. A big part of the problem is that I don't really become attracted to people based on only their looks. Once I've already developed a crush on someone, THEN I find them cute or whatever.

I'm gonna go now, it's my bed time.
You will see me tomorrow.

October 6th - Orange You Glad

Good evening, solar system. I have a leviathan-type headache.

So, a few interesting things happened today which I will now summarize in no particular order.

1. The woman who quit recently kind of un-quit and cried on at least three different occasions and I kind of wanted to give her a hug but it was a bit awkward. A lot of people are not happy at all that she's staying, and I admit I am not excessively thrilled either because she gets very temperamental when things aren't done her way and after only a few months I am tired of getting snapped at. But there is pretty much no one in that entire place that likes her, and they don't exactly make any effort to hide it, and it must be really tough on her.
Admittedly, I also think there's maybe two or three people out of the whole staff that she has never snapped at, and she has walked out and left me alone before without any notice because she was mad over some silly little thing. But on a whole I don't think she's a bad person. She cares about the environment, she cares about animals, and really when it comes down to it, most of the times she snaps at people is because she wants them to do things her way, which often (but certainly not always) turns out to be a slightly better way.

2. My boss and I were talking about some of the recent events at work and he had mentioned to another employee something that a friend of his says in self-help seminars he runs, and that was "What other people think of you, is none of your business." And I thought that was some pretty good advice, though he wasn't even giving the advice to me intentionally (I don't think). And another thing he said was "Whenever someone says something, the first thing you've gotta ask yourself is "do they love me?" If the answer is yes, then maybe you should pay a bit of attention to what they say but if not, who cares?"

3. Some unfortunate teenage boy wandered in to the store at some point, and I guess he is familiar with one of my coworkers because he yelled out that the coworker was a faggot. Which promptly resulted in another woman I work with yelling at him, WHICH WAS VERY NICE. She didn't lecture him or anything she just said YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT KIND OF THING IN HERE THANKS.

4. I watched the first 6 episodes of Jing: King of Bandits today and noticed a bunch of things I haven't seen before. IT WAS QUITE GOOD. (now I've suddenly started using lots of caps)

5. I stayed an extra half hour at work today because they were really swamped and I would have felt bad if I had left when I was supposed to and just left them in a big mess. I tried to do as much as I could before I left but I reeeeally wanted to go home. Then I had a tasty chocolate milkshake.

6. I beat the first two gym leaders in Pokemon emerald.



(Click on the picture to see full size)
One thing I am learning very quickly;
BAGON IS A TOUGH BUGGER TO TRAIN.
It just learned Headbutt but before that it was just Bite, Rage, and Leer. And on top of that it just levels up soooo slowly. Salamence had better be worth it, or I'm e-mailing the bastard to Antarctica.



I think that's all for today. I am sleepy and my headache is not going away, and you will see me tomorrow.

October 5th - Hello Sleepy

Good evening solar system. Just when I was getting used to it being autumn, it randomly got warm today.

My copy of Jing: King of Bandits (entire series) on DVD that a friend got me for my birthday FINALLY came today. He ordered it like three weeks ago, and he actually ordered another copy (which was about $11 cheaper than this one) before that, but I messed up one digit of my mailing address when I gave it to him, and when he tried to contact the seller they said "Okay, I'll look into it and see if it has been shipped yet" and then never contacted him again.

I am very excited because I really like the Jing series, I just don't know when I'm going to be able to watch it since all of the devices that play dvds are in my roommate's room.

I also randomly decided to buy some Pokemon cards today, and boy was that a chore. They have them in this plastic case at the convenience store and so you pretty much have to go "Okay, I'd like the second-last one on the right, in the third row from the bottom, and it's kinda purple with a Dialga on the front..." keeping in mind that the one they have standing up at the edge of the case isn't necessary what all the ones lying down behind it look like, and that the person reaching blindly into this case can't see the thee side of the package that you can see.

I think I mentioned yesterday or the day before that I have a Pokemon fan fiction in the works, and I am excited about it. And like almost every other piece of fan fiction in the world, I have taken the canon and given it a swift boot to the behind down a flight of stairs. But secretly I think that my take on it is better >.> What I find most interesting about the process of planning out the story though, is that I have started to really like certain Pokemon that I absolutely hated before. Some of them are even extremely important in the story. It's just seeing things with fresh eyes I guess, experiencing it in a new light.

I really want to buy the first two seasons of Fullmetal Alchemist on dvd but they are too expensive. And strangely, I was led to believe for a long time that they were actually one season. Apparently, season one is the first 25 episodes and season two is the next 26. I've already watched them all, but I really like the anime so I wanted to buy them. *sigh* I will figure something out someday.

I am going to wrap this up and go to bed because I am having lots of trouble keeping my eyes open.

You'll see me tomorrow.

October 4th - Co-Ed School

Good evening, solar system. I don't know if anyone has noticed but my post titles haven't really been related to my posts lately.

Speaking of "lately" I was seven minutes late for work this morning. Because I had set my alarm for 7:30 pm instead of am, and I was sleeeepy so I more or less slept right up until 9am. So I got up, tossed my work clothes in my backpack (because my roommate and I did laundry yesterday), threw some clothes on, tossed my wallet and a bottle of water and an entire package of half a dozen muffins into my backpack (and got my mp3 player of course) and marched out the door. Roughly a quarter of the way there I called and told my boss my alarm hadn't gone off (didn't tell him it was because I'm an idiot) and that I was on my way and he said alright, and I didn't get in trouble but I still felt bad.

On a side note, I had a dream that I was at work and a girl I knew from highschool was there and she told my supervisor I was lazy and I was like "o.o Yeah. I am" but then afterward I got really offended like HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT EVEN THOUGH IT'S COMPLETELY TRUE, WHAT A BITCH

Then I worked and then I came home and then I watched the remainder of a movie with a friend because it crapped out on both of us last night. Then I had a salad for supper (and ice cream) and listened to some music and fell asleep by accident.

In the morning, on schooldays, we pre-make wraps at work because we have discovered that school children like wraps a loooot. We have two basic kinds, ranch and flamethrower (both come with a few alterations, including grilled chicken instead of fried, etc) and as I was making the Flamethrower wraps (which we mark with an F for easy identification) I noticed that for some strange reason they weren't seeming to fit into the container as well as the ranch wraps were, even though they are made with the same tortillas and chicken. And I thought to myself, OH IT IS SUCH A GOOD METAPHOR FOR HOMOSEXUALS.

I took a few more pictures today because I was dancing around and I was feeling... uhh. I don't know what the word for it is. Nice looking? Anyhoo. Some of the pictures aren't even from tonight, they're from like three weeks ago. HOLY CRAP IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS.

This was before I got my hair dyed.
I dunno why I'm making that face,
so please don't ask.
Taken during the hair dyeing process

Picture of my ADORABLE (but blind) puppy
Another one of the hair dyeing
A Nintendo Power poster. Oh, and my dyed hair.
Random photoshoot.
This is from when it rained. And I got wet.
I don't look like I just got off work at aaaall
Picture from today!
I was in the closet :3
I wanted to taste the rainbow.

I think that's all I had for today. You'll see me tomorrow!

October 3rd - Time Donkey

Good evening solar system, I've had four hours of sleep since the last time I talked to you (a situation which will be addressed as soon as I'm done writing this, I assure you)

So, I have a Pokemon fan fiction all planned out and I really like so many of the ideas that I have for it, but the problem is that I am the kind of person who wants every single thing I write to be absolutely amazing and impressive, and I find that it's just really hard to write a fan fiction and have it be well written.

One of the problems I ran into early on is that, since it is a fan fiction most of the people who read it will probably be fans of the franchise. Therefore, if you introduce all the characters and the premise of the storyline and whatever, they will probably find it boring and be like WHY IS THERE HALF A PAGE OF BACKSTORY WE ALL KNOW THIS ALREADY. But the other problem is that, just as a writer, I find it really awkward to just plow into a story and not introduce things.

Anyhow. Hopefully tomorrow, once I have had a bit more sleep, I will be able to get a good start at it before I lose all the excitement I've been building up.

As for my post yesterday, I just wanted to say that what I said about being willing to listen to anyone if they need it was true. I have not reread my post because I am kind of afraid of reading what my rambling sounded like, so I'm sorry if I sounded a bit crazy but I am not sorry if I sounded a bit emotional. This is a serious subject and this is an emotional subject. These are real people losing their lives, and real futures being stolen away forever. These are real families and real friends and real worlds being shattered into little pieces because of a few horrible, heartless people.

I hate seeing people in pain. I want to just go around and sit down with every lost and hurt person and help them sort out every single thing that's wrong in their life. That's just how I am. Maybe some of the horrible, heartless people only act that way because of things that are wrong in their lives, and maybe they need someone to talk to. But that is one group of people I don't think I could possibly console. I am way too forgiving at times, but I will not forgive pushing someone to end their life, ever. If you feel bad about it and you need some sort of counseling then by all means go and find that.

I do think you'd have to be pretty oblivious to not see that someone can be seriously hurt by the things you say, and a pretty big jackass to participate in that harassment in the first place. If you do not take it seriously, if you do not care about the effects it has on the victim, if you feel no remorse, if you feel no pity or sympathy or compassion, then I feel nothing for you. You need to crawl back into whatever cold and barren hellhole you got spat out of because this world has NO use for someone like you.

Now I am getting angry and I do not want to get angry. I'm not trying to trash anyone who has ever made fun of ANYONE in their lifetime, because we all have. All of us. As much as I want to believe that anyone who bullies someone else to the point of suicide is a complete monster and that there is something disturbed and sinister deep within them that doesn't care if someone gets pushed over the edge, that is not completely true. Some people don't think that the things they say will cause that much pain. They always say things like "I never meant for it to go that far"
Well here's an idea. If you don't want it to go that far DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKING PRICK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
*ahem*
The thoughtful, level-headed person deep down in me (at this exact point in time they are VERY deep down) reminds me that it must be such a terrible weight to have hanging over you for the rest of your life, knowing that you pushed someone to the point of suicide. Knowing that the things YOU said caused that suffering,that torment, that shattering of a human's heart, mind, and soul to the point where they could not bear to face it anymore. And I would hate my lack of sympathy towards someone in that situation to break THEIR spirit, to cause them to suffer in anguish like the person before them. Because I believe there are very very few people in the world who earnestly deserve to die. But I just have such a hard time sympathizing with them.

I have been on the receiving end of so much harassment and so much teasing and there have been days where I wouldn't have thought twice about walking out in front of a moving car. But I am still here today, and I do not want to see anyone else have to go through what these people in the past three weeks, and all those before them, have gone through. Something needs to be done about it and the only time to do it is now. It is never too early to start saving a life but it can end up being too late at any moment.

You'll see me tomorrow.

October 2nd - It's not me, it's you

Gooooooood morning solar system, I'm writing this at 5am.

So, I dunno who has been paying attention to the news or what news people have been paying attention to or what-have-you, but I have been told some disturbing news. In the past three weeks there have been NINE reported suicides by gay teens. For those who aren't too good at math, that's three a week. That works out to a little less than one every two days.

I'm not going to go on a big rant, calling the homophobic people who harass and bully and threaten these people to the point where they feel like there is nothing left for them in this world all sorts of names. I would like to. I could certainly think of a couple things to say to them. But that won't really accomplish much, so I'll save that for another time when I'm way too angry to care whether it's productive or not.

Right now, what I am is sad. And what makes me even more sad is that I don't even find it that surprising. Things are SUPPOSED to be getting better in this world, but the fact of the matter is that no prejudice is ever eliminated completely. And that is tragic. When something like this happens, especially in such mind-breaking numbers, there isn't much room to get angry I don't think. Not for me anyway. There is just this supreme feeling of... I can't even think of a word for it. When you feel like, okay. Things aren't perfect. Things aren't even great. But they are getting better, slowly. The kind of people who look at a homosexual person and thing that, because of who they are, who they were born as and may only be beginning to know themselves as, that they are inferior, that they are disgusting, that they are not people at all and that their death is no big loss, are being pushed away. Are being silenced. Are being limited and looked down up.

I shouldn't have to worry about someone seeing me wearing certain colours when I go into town. I shouldn't have to worry about telling a coworker THE TRUTH about what I did on my five days off, or worry about someday in the future not sending my own father an invitation to my wedding, or inviting him over to see his grandchildren. I should not be concerned, I should not be afraid, and I should NOT be ridiculed. I am NOT the one with the problem and I am NOT the one who has something shameful to hide.

I don't know who will read this. I don't know who will read what I say and I don't know what they will take from it but I want to offer, here and now to every single potential reader - that this world is full of lots of messed up, ugly things. It's true. I've seen it, and I don't like it. But in amongst all the messed up, ugly things are some beautiful people. If you are gay, or bisexual, or transgendered, or two spirited, or asexual, or pansexual, or if you are genderqueer, or if you are a transvestite or if you have know idea what you are and why you can't get all these weird thoughts in your head to stop flying around and confusing you and keeping you up at night, there IS someone who cares. Always. Your parents might treat you like shit, and that one friend you've held onto for years even though they ignore you and you don't really have much in common is slowly drifting away from you. You may not even have that one friend. You might feel like no one sees you, no one notices the pain and the fear and the crushing hopelessness that weighs you down day after day. But there are people out there who will notice. Who will reach back if you reach out to them. There are people who are desperately waiting to meet someone just like you.

If you read this and you ever, EVER feel like there is nothing for you in this world I will be more than happy to listen to anything you have to say. I am not a therapist, I cannot provide you with the kind of support and advice that you NEED to seek if you are suicidal. There is nothing wrong with getting help. There is nothing wrong with living to see another day. You are NOT worthless, you are NOT disgusting and you DO have a place in this world.

Things will never be perfect. But they will be better. Truly, they will. People are becoming better educated. People are becoming more compassionate. I'm so tired and I am so emotional and I don't know if I'm sounding like a complete idiot, but I really want this to stop. I really want people to start giving themselves a chance. I have spent years and years of my life feeling inferior, feeling alone and invisible burdensome. I find it so hard to have hope sometimes but I haven't given up yet. I don't plan to. And if there is even the tiniest chance that I can do SOMETHING, anything at all to influence someone, to make them understand that not giving up is really and truly the better choice, then I want to make sure I grab it.

You can talk to me. If you don't know me at all, if you stumbled on this completely by accident, if I have no clue whatsoever who you are, if we have never spoken before, whatever. It doesn't matter. I will not turn you away. I will not pass you over. I won't reject you. I may not have the perfect words for every injured heart but I can certainly listen.

Of course, it doesn't have to be me you talk to. If you want to go straight to a professional, or if you want to go to a teacher or a sibling or call a help line, there are many options. But I am urging you, begging you to please talk to SOMEONE. And if one person doesn't give you an encouraging to helpful answer then move on to someone else. Keep on going until you find that person who REALLY understands. It will be worth it. You are worth it.

That is all.

October 1st - Pumpkin Pie

Good evening, solar system. As soon as I'm done writing this sentence I'm going to get up and pee but because of the magic of the internet, when you read this it'll be like I NEVER LEFT AT ALL.

So today when I was getting dressed after work (well, getting undressed first as I do not work in the nude) I was thinking about the grammatical prospects of "seen" and "saw." I don't know why I was thinking about this, since I already know when to use each one personally and it's not like I'm ever going to be required to teach a lesson on it or anything. But for whatever reason, think of it I did.

I was originally going to write some big angry ranty thing, because I was a little bit ticked off at the world this morning but right now I just don't have the energy for a big angry rant. I just want to go to bed and not get up for five days, but if course I work tomorrow. I do have Sunday off, but then I work until Saturday and have the weekend off. Yay, my first two consecutive days off in three weeks! I was very much considering asking someone to take my shift tomorrow because I'm just so tiiiired and one day off never feels like enough to properly relax.

I have been trying to draw a bit the past couple days. I have been really hooked on the video game design college thing, and a lot of the classes focus on some form of drawing or another and I think I would be much more successful if I could actually draw a thing or two. I'm not quite sure yet, however, how I am going to deal with the problem of not being able to do diddly squat on a computer. Really the only thing I can contribute to the process of creating video games (or anything else) are the ideas. I'm not so good at formulating the idea itself into something physical. In fact I'm not good at it at all.

Anyhoo. I forget where the thought originated... it was something relating to me being afraid of something. But it got me thinking about how that's pretty much my whole life in two words - "being afraid." I could go on for about a billion paragraphs listing all of the things I'm afraid of and I'd probably still miss something. I just do not feel comfortable in my own skin. I do not feel secure in a world inhabited by so many people when I'm always hearing about all the things people do to each other for such ridiculous reasons.

I know that always being afraid of everything is a very poor way to go about one's life, I will be the first to admit that I do not truly have fun often. I never go out with friends, and pretty much the only place I have gone is to a bar and I don't drink and I have one friend in town and that's the only person I know so I always feel so weird and out of place. I don't hate it, but I mostly just end up standing there all night observing other people. I don't have the courage to go dance in the middle of a crowd of strangers, I don't have the self confidence to not give a crap what anyone thinks about my dancing or my appearance or my sobriety or whatever.

A while ago a friend asked me why I don't drink and I gave this really long, utter b.s. answer about how people rely on alcohol so much and how it's been driven into our minds that no matter what you're feeling alcohol is appropriate for the occasion (depression, celebration, relaxation, exhaustion, etc.) and it kind of drives me crazy how some people are so disbelieving that someone could POSSIBLY live a successful life without ever getting falling-down-pissing-yourself-and-barfing-everywhere drunk, and how I wanted to prove to myself that these people were wrong. But I'll tell you a secret, my life does not feel very successful to me. But that's because I am emo.

My eyes are closing repeatedly without my consent and they keep staying closed for longer and longer periods of time, so I'mma wrap this off. Probably will write tomorrow and elaborate on one or two things some more... if I remember.

September 30 - Magnet Train

Good morning solar system.

So, a couple things. First of all, I've been thinking recently about a site I used to be a member of (a friend told me that it was likely OutSMACK). I was never really active there, it was kind of a social networking site exclusively for lgbtq people. And one thing I found a bit odd when I was there, was that (as far as I can remember) every person who added me, who wasn't someone I already knew, was transgendered. Dunno why it worked out that way, but it did.

One of my best friends is an FTM and I have another online friend who is also an FTM (though it's just occurred to me, is that term really accurate because they technically WEREN'T female before, were they?) and I've always kind of found it interesting how I just seem to randomly attract transgendered people to me. I am a tranny magnet. But I don't mind, in fact I quite like it. I love trans people, and I have ever since I came to understand what it meant to be transgendered (on a deeper level then going from an inny to an outy or vise versa).

I have struggled with my own gender identity on numerous occasions but I think I'm too scared to settle on any sort of definitive definition. I would love it if I could just magic away all my body hair and grow some boobs and put on a dress and be beautiful but that's not how it works. I'd have to tell my family at some point, I'd have to tell my friends, likely at least some of my coworkers. I'd have to add a shiny new clump of items to my list of things I have to worry about every time I step out of the door and leave the house. I don't think I am brave to face all that, even if keeping it inside is a huge obstacle preventing me from ever having a moderately successful social life.

Another thing I was thinking about today was Susan Boyle. If you don't know who that is, the internet will be more than happy to let you know. The thing is that, people tend to see her as either this ugly beast or this super-talented singer who sparked a revolution in the way people think in regards to the relationship between talent and appearance. My personal viewpoint however, pessimistic as it may be, is that Susan Boyle is neither of these things. I think she is a gorgeous human being, and I think she has a fantastic voice. But here's the thing.

Shallow people aren't going to stop being shallow because of one instance. A cynical person may be willing to admit that they were wrong, but a truly shallow person will never make the effort to see past their petty ideals of what makes someone beautiful, and they will never sincerely view her as a person and they will never truly understand her as a human being. They will never hear her voice, they will forever remain in their own deluded world.

I do not think that the success of Susan Boyle is going to stem the flow of twisted contempt that those blind and shallow people hold within them, but what I DO think she has accomplished is giving hope to those who already believed in the ideal. Some people might not have believed that Susan Boyle specifically had an amazing voice and would completely stun the crowd, but I bet the vast majority, bordering on the absolute entirety, of the people to whom she delivered a "wake up call" were already convinced that someone without the perfect hollywood smile and a size 3-and-down wardrobe could sing well. A wakeup call isn't a revelation so much as it is a reminder.

Don't get me wrong though, I am not in any way saying that the fact that she didn't change peoples minds, merely refreshed them, is a bad thing. Because when it comes down to it - the compassionate ones are the ones who NEED to have their minds refreshed, because otherwise there would be even fewer of us than there currently are and we're certainly not experiencing an abundance of them right now. But more than being refreshed, the compassionate ones are the ones who need so desperately to have something to find hope in. At the end of the day when you turn out your bedroom light and think about all the horrible things that happen in this world, the one thing that will be able to make us want to wake up is believing that some brave soul someday, will step into the storm and blast all the fear and hatred right off the map. And the only way we can ever hope to have that chance is if we keep waking up and keep stepping out. Maybe one of us will be brave enough. We can only hope.

That is all.

September 9th - Hazy

Good evening solar system. I am updating before midnight today.

I actually was supposed to be in bed roughly 40 minutes ago because I have to be at work for 9 tomorrow. But I have a thing going. A thing called sleep deprivation. It would just be a shame to break my streak now.

A friend and I watched another Pokemon movie today (The Power of One) and for the most part we just pointed out all the things that didn't make sense and how stupid Ash is. And from what I have seen he just never gets any smarter at all. The Pokemon series has been going on for something like 600 episodes and it just seems strange to me that the character hasn't got ANY smarter AT ALL. Not from what I have seen anyway, I admittedly only watch the movies.

We kind of had a bit of an explosion of smoke at work today, because... well I don't really know why. Something to do with the grill, and then the fans weren't turning on and my eyes were hurting and I died like ten times.

Thinking back, it kind of makes for a good metaphor since everything in my life seems so cloudy right now. Don't know what I'm doing about my education, or about my employment, and I need to start making calls for apartments (since this is apparently my sole responsibility for some strange reason, considering how much I hate the phone) and blah blah etc.

I keep thinking of really thoughtful, deep, interesting things to write here but then of course by the time I get around to writing the posts I am just tired and groggy and can't remember any of them. So hopefully someday soon I will have something worthwhile, as opposed to just repeating the same stuff over and over.

I don't know if I'm depressed. What I feel doesn't really feel like depression but... some of the other stuff that's floating around up there makes me think it's a pretty good possibility. I think I am broken. I have failed to grasp the notion of how to interact with others effectively and now it is too late for me to learn. I am destined to be a hermit. An unemployed, uneducated hermit.

It doesn't sound so bad though. I can grow my hair long and have lots of cats.

And that is all.

September 28 - Trophy Worker

Good morning-ish again, solar system. I should be sleeping right now.

So I got to go home from work two hours early today, meaning I got home at about 20 after 4. But the internet was down. And it remained down until approximately 11, which conveniently is right when my roommate got home. I have so underwhelmed. The internet and I are no longer friends, I am disowning it and burning all the pictures of us together. And then maybe I'll do the same with my life because it's being a right proper jerkass lately.

The worst thing about work right now is that it gives me something to do besides sit at home and be angsty and feel horrible about everything, which is pretty much all that I want to do right now. I also want to change something, make something better but I feel so stuck and so un-talented and unmotivated and urgh. I haven't been eating well lately. Well, I kind of haven't been eating well my whole life but at least when I lived with my parents I ate vegetables on a regular basis.

Having real food is hard when you can't use the oven and when you generally want to avoid the kitchen at all costs (for reasons mentioned in other posts).

Things are just so sdfdgsd. I need to stfu and get my butt in gear and look on the bright side and etc. etc. But it seems like every single time I get my hopes up I get disappointed. It doesn't seem to matter WHAT I'm getting excited about, even the tiniest of things are swept away and in a way that is much more frustrating. I know I am over-dramatizing things but that's just what I do. I am a sensitive person and when it comes to any emotion, when I feel, I feel BIG. When I'm sad I'm REALLY sad, when I'm angry I'm REALLY angry, when I'm bored I'm REALLY bored.

Which speaking of, I was reaaaaaaally bored without the internet. I fell asleep for a while. I wrote a little bit. I played Pokemon. But all I wanted to do was wander aimlessly through a bunch of random webpages. *sigh*

And that is all.

September 27 - Amnesia

Good morning-ish, solar system. I am posting after midnight again.

I can't help but feel like this is not a good sign. Two days in a row I've posted after midnight because I have forgot. To be honest, both today and yesterday I thought about posting numerous times I just... didn't. I guess it's because I don't really have anything interesting to talk about but hey, do I ever?

I joined the forums at serebii.net today which is kind of a poor decision on my part. I do not do so well with forums, and I know this. I post a bunch for about a week or so and then I just wander off and forget it exists. Either that or the forum dies but I don't think that will be happening with serebii.net, especially since Pokemon Black & White just got released.

I forgot to brush my teeth before bed last night so they were kind of angry at me today. I didn't really have any real meals today, just stuff lying around my room (goldfish crackers, trail mix, a muffin). I will probably eat some unhealthy deep-fried nonsense at work tomorrow but I'll be sure to throw some vegetables in there so I can pretend I've made a good decision. And heck, even if it's deep fried at least I'll be eating something close to a meal.

I really can't wait until I live somewhere I can use the kitchen. We can't use the stove very much here because the fire alarms are ridiculously sensitive and for some reason they are ALL connected - even the ones of the people downstairs. I guess that makes sense for a real fire because if the house is on fire you generally want *everyone* to know about it. But if the fire alarm is going to go off every time you boil water? It's a bit annoying.

Anyway. I'm sleepy and I work in about nine hours and I have to shower in the morning since for some reason I didn't do that today even though I had the entire day off. And I am feeling kind of icky as a result. That reminds me though, I need to buy shampoo... but I have to walk into town soon to get money out of the bank before I spend it all anyway.

Also I realized a while ago that when I finally end up moving out of here I am probably not going to have internet for a couple weeks or so, so I dunno what I'm going to do about my blog in that span of time. Maybe I'll come back here and just sit outside with my computer :P

Going to bed now... since I missed an ample opportunity to sleep in on my day off, which was quite silly of me. I was even dozing off for a while so I really have no idea why I didn't just go with it.

That is all.

September 26 - Poquast

Good morning solar system, it is passed midnight. Oops.

Work was very uneventful and unfun today and ever since I got home Firefox has been freezing constantly. I'm not too impressed.

A friend and I have been trying to watch the first Pokemon movie, but the first two playlists we tried, the final parts were missing. That and the fact that Firefox keeps freezing. Life = hard

There really isn't much more to say about today. I tried to learn the words to Forever And Almost Always by Kate Voegele but there are still a couple lines I don`t know so I`m going to maybe work on that tomorrow.

I am going to wrap this up because the page has already frozen three times while I've been writing this and I'm going to end up breaking something soon.

So, that is all.

September 25 - Captain Sadface

Good evening solar system. I am veryvery sleepy.

This morning when I went to leave for work there was a puppy in the yard and it had this nasty looking sore on its side and I had no idea who it belonged to or what happened to it or anything, and I had to leave for work and there was no one else home. So I went next door and knocked on the door and told the people there and they came out and looked and the one guy said he thought he knew who it belonged to and he would take it over.
So I began leaving for work and as I was walking away I heard someone else say "Wait, no. It's not their dog." but then they told me not to worry about it. But of course I still did, so when I got to work I was pretty much on the verge of a breakdown so I called this one woman I work with because I know she really likes animals, and she said she would walk down and take a look for me (she lives like two three minutes from my place). I was expecting her to call back but she never did and the dog wasn't here when I got home.
I named him Captain Sadface.

The past few days have been rather unpleasant, I just keep screwing things up and I am frustrated and I feel like a complete idiot and I hate feeling stupid. It doesn't bug me, I hate it, and maybe it is because I am proud or narcissistic or something but I sincerely despise that feeling.

Me and a friend of mine watched Pokemon: The Rise of Darkrai and lamented about all the stupid things that happened and all of the aggravating voice acting. Now we might be watching the one that comes after that.

My rainbow arm warmers arrived... technically yesterday but I managed to miss them twice until my roommate finally tossed them in my room on my bed so I found them when I came home. Someday I will get around to posting all the pictures I keep taking.

And that is all.

September 24 - Smiling In The Rain

Good evening solar system. I am so very very sleepy.

It rained today but I did not get to go out and play because I was at work all day. At least I only work until five tomorrow. Hopefully it will be a bit cooler. Yesterday I got raineded on and was soaked and cold (but happy!) and then today as soon as I walked out of the house this big mass of uncomfortable heat latched onto my face and I almost died.

I'm afraid to close my eyes because I'm afraid I won't open them again until around 8am and that would be bad because I have not brushed my teeth yet. And I just ate a chocolate bar.

I was skimming through my facebook and my other blog yesterday, looking at some old stuff I wrote. I have been thinking for a long time that I should make a compilation of stuff and get it published. The problem is that I would have to actually READ the stuff, and I find that to be very dangerous since I generally end up wanting to spear it with a flaming cow skull.

I am going to brush my teeth and go to bed and wake up in the morning and hate my life a little bit. All things considered I've got it pretty good right now but there's just so many other things to worry about. There is always so much to worry about. *sigh*

That is all.

September 23 - Scrumfuggled

Good evening, solar system. It rained and I got wet.

When I am around people I tend to try to be funny. In general, I like to think that I do a good job at it. I really like to make people laugh. But also I think there's the aspect of "If I can make them laugh, then they won't hate me." They may think I'm stupid and they may think I'm weird or ugly or smelly or whatever, but I made them laugh by something other than falling on my face and bleeding everywhere, so that's something.

I tend to not be as funny when I am by myself and when I have no one to talk to. I tend to think more, I tend to be more calm and introspective. I tend to think about all sorts of random pointless things, and even some random not-so-pointless things.

I was thinking lately about how I don't write near as much poetry as I used to which might not be such a bad thing since, to be honest, I don't think I was very good at it. But then again most people do not and typically the ones who do think they're good at it are the ones who write stuff no one can understand.

I created a profile at some site (I don't even remember the name) a while ago so I could upload clips of myself singing but I think I only uploaded like two things and then stopped. I can't play any instruments and I cannot sing with music in the background because it sounds horrible because I am tone deaf. But the main reason I stopped was because when it comes to the things I want the most, I get discouraged very easily for some reason.

I have a tendency to slip by unnoticed most of the time. Whether it's at work, or at school, or on a forum, or on Facebook or whatever... people just don't notice me. I would imagine it's because most of the time I am simply not being very interesting, or it also might be because I sometimes want to get noticed so bad that it annoys people and causes them to ignore me. Whatever the reason is, I am grateful for it at time, and hate it at other times. I wish I knew how to be fun, I wish I knew how to be outgoing and confident and not just come off as shy and depressed and desperate.

Anyhoo. I have a very long and very early day ahead of me tomorrow, and so I must go to bed. I think I have rambled quite enough for one day anyhow.

September 22 - In My Brain

Good evening solar system, I am quite sleepy.

Right now I am listening to a song called Gunning Down Romance and it's making me want to cry or go to sleep or something. Or maybe it's life that is making me want to do that. This lady I work with quit yesterday, which means I'm probably going to be covering the opening shifts for a while. I will probably get weekends off because the school-going crew can fill in those days, but it's going to make it hard to have any non-weekend days off. As it is I didn't get any days off this week, I'm assuming because we are so short staffed right now.

We did get a new guy starting today though, so hopefully he will learn quickly so we all don't die. No pressure or anything. I'm a little nervous that now that the other lady is gone everyone's going to start realizing how crappy I am at my job. Not that I haven't worked plenty of shifts without her, but she's good to have around. Her main problem is that she's very moody and also quite bossy, she likes having things her way. There is no difference of opinion with her, if you disagree - about anything at all - you are wrong. And that bugs me. But when she's not cranky and driving people crazy I kind of like having her around.

I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, I think I mentioned a while ago that I wasn't allowed to talk about it yet... but my roommate is going to be out of a job soon and lots of people are pressuring him to get a job where I work, because it's similar to what he does now and he knows a lot of people there. But I really don't think he wants to work there, especially considering how much he hates his current job. There's also the whole situation where he doesn't want to have to "come out" to everyone. One of our managers is someone he's known for a long time and I can't say I know what that situation would feel like. I can see why he wants to stay away from that.

Anyhoo. I'm still kind of in a miserable mood. I kind of went into an emosplosion yesterday.. or wait, maybe the day before. Either way that wasn't fun and I will try to avoid doing that again although when I was thinking about it after... it's kind of weird that I should feel the need to censor myself in my journal entries. I guess if I'm going to do this right then I have to open myself up completely.

Posting that I'm queer or that I hate my job or whatever is no problem. I've told hundreds of people that I'm queer and pretty much everyone who is employed or was employed etc. has had the experience of having a job they hate. But when it comes to telling people certain things... I always avoid it, even with my friends. I want people to see me in a certain way, I want a certain image of myself to be put forward and I have learned to hide behind that image really well. It's not enough to want to be seen as a good person for me, I want to be a very specific good person, and when someone's vision of me doesn't match the image I try to present it bothers me.

For that reason I think I'm also going to cut down on my "yous" and such. No more "What do you guys think" and stuff like that, because if people read my posts and have something to say, they will say it without being invited. This is a journal for me to figure out who I am, and I can't rely on others for that. If I help other people along the way, great. If other people are interested in what I have to say, that's excellent. But I have to focus on what made me start this in the first place, and that is the fact that I'm spinning blindly through space, and I need to slow myself down. I need to learn and discover and experience and find some sort of direction. And most of all I need to find some sort of conclusion at the end, and it's looking like that is going to be the hardest part. I'm already 1/12th of the way done and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. It's basically how I feel about my life as a whole, just on a smaller scale.

And now I need to go to bed, so that is all.