August 07th - Holy Cracker Crap

So it's only been, what? Four months since I updated this? Five? Probably not more than six. Uhhh... maybe more than six.

Shit. My bad. So, life. I've been having some of that. One of my best friends moved to Vancouver, and I am still in Ontario. And if anyone is reading this who is not so familiar with Canadian geography, that is half way across the country. So that's distressing. But he's been socializing like a champ so I'm sure he'll be fine.

I have not been socializing like a champ, really. I've had some interesting experiences. I went on a road trip with two girls from work a couple months ago, had an absolute blast. Seriously one of the best days of my entire life. We drove about four hours south to the "big city" (but not Toronto, we didn't have that kind of time on our hands) and went to an all you can eat restaurant and had an awesome time. My friend, who hadn't moved yet at that point, joined us, as well as another girl who worked with us before moving back home for the summer.

My grandmother has been in the hospital since January, which I did mention when I updated around that time. She hasn't been released yet, she's been having lots of problems. Originally she was in to have a cancerous tumor removed, but after the operation her stomach split open and it has been an incredibly long and painful eight months for her. They are hoping to be able to send her home soon and I am so so excited.

In my extremely few posts so far this year I have no doubt mentioned that work was not going so great for me. It actually did start going really well for a while there, I have made some good friends. But now we have new owners and everything is kind of going down the crapper.

I am, however, still single. That hasn't changed. At present I'm not that bugged about it, I think I've finally learned to just accept that it's gonna be like this for the majority of my life. Whatever. I like my alone time anyway.

I really want to quit my job and move somewhere new. I want to do something that doesn't drive me insane, and live as my big queer self. But I can get into that more later. Right now I'm just meaning to kind of sum things up. I am just feeling very compressed lately. I feel like I am stuck in this double life and stuck in this crappy job and stuck in this crappy town. I want to take control of my life, but surprise! You pretty much can't do jack squat without a big pile of money to back you up. Which I haven't really got. I have been trying to save up ever since I started working but things just keep breaking down and I just keep screwing myself over.

I wonder why I do that. Perhaps I'm just afraid of freedom.

February 11 - Much For Regret

I haven't got much for regret
And I haven't got much for pride
But I've got a thirst for a kingdom
That a queen could hide behind

I've known a little bit of romance
I've known a little bit of lust
And I've got a thirst for a kingdom
That my heart could hide behind

Tell me what you see in the sunlight
Tell me what you see in the shadows
Tell me what you see in the window
That you've sealed against the stars

Tell me what you see when you're dreaming
Tell me what you see when you're scared
Tell me what you wish they would say to you
When you wanna be someone else

I've known a pretty simple life
I've known some pretty simple people
And I've fallen into some mazes, and I
Still don't know how I got out

I haven't got much excitement
But I've got a hell of a lot of indifference
I've got a lot of amazing ideas
But I've got too much time to care

Tell me what you see in the empty room
Tell me what you see in the corner
Tell me what's hiding under the bed
Waiting to tear apart your heart

Tell me what you see when you're dreaming
Tell me what you see when you're scared
Tell me what you wish they would say to you
When you wanna be someone else

Tell me that it all makes no difference
But I'm gonna keep breathing in
Tell me it doesn't make sense in the end
But I wasn't curious anyway...

Tell me what you see in the sunlight
Tell me what you see in the shadows
Tell me what's hiding under the surface
Waiting to tear apart your heart

Tell me what you see when you're dreaming
Tell me what you see when you're scared
Tell me what you wish they would say to you
When you wanna be someone else

January 21st - Night Time

So, it has been almost a year since my return to the realm of singularity. Seeing as how that was pretty much my first real relationship and it didn't even last 6 months you'd figure I'd be kind of used to it by now. And I guess I am, sort of. It's not really a big deal most of the time. Kind of unfortunate some other times.

Then there are times when I wake up in the middle of the night and am so lonely I can't get back to sleep, which is especially unfortunate when I have to be up for work in a few hours. And I have a bad habit of going to bed at the exact moment I need to go to bed to get 8 hours of sleep, if not later. I very rarely leave myself any recovery time.

I just want this feeling to stop. I want the emptiness to go away, I want to be special to someone, I want to have someone to share my life with. It doesn't have to be for the rest of my life. Not yet. I just want there to be something there. I almost wish I could be one of those people who just has a bunch of random sex with strangers and able to get by on that. But I really don't think I could be.

Which is sort of too bad, seeing as how I don't have a heck of a lot to offer from a relationship perspective, really. But it's almost 3am now and I have to get up at 7. So I'm not going to get into it any more than that.